The $10,000,000 Texan Wedding, by Judy Christenberry

So I read The $10,000,000 Texan Wedding.

Gran (is there always going to be a sassy grandmother?) stipulated in her will that Gabe, the Rich Handsome Dude Who Left Small Town Texas, must marry Katie, the Headstrong Poor Country Girl Whose Father Died And Who Must Take Care Of Her Forty Siblings.

These crazy kids dated in high school, and were in luuuuuuuuurve. Gabe proposed (at 18, yeah good sounds great) a couple of weeks after Katie’s dad died. Anyhoo the book makes it clear that the dude was a selfish douchenoozle, and he’s SUPER ANGRY RAWR FOREVER at Katie because she said there was someone else so he’d go away since who wants to be saddled with Hardworkin’ Poor Chick With No Father? He like doesn’t even know she’s put half of her siblings through college by now all on her own because her mom is useless. Self-sacrificing because FAMILY!

Also his mom hated her.

So he went to Dallas and became Rich Handsome Lawyer with a supermodel fiancee for a minute.

Then Gran: she’s dead. She’s forcing him to marry Katie or NO MONIES WHAT!!! I WANT MY MONIES!!!!

He comes rushing back to Small Town That Has A Creepy Fixation On Marriage and verbally abuses Katie a whole lot and it’s really fucking scary as fuck. But he still loves her! And she still loves him! Even though she now has her own super successful business and he keeps coming and and yelling at her or making it difficult to work at her super successful business (WTF WTF WTF). Because tingly lady parts.

Did I mention the town is really weird about marriage? Because it is. Everyone is married and SO SUPER IN LOVE and BABIES BABIES BABIES and hahaha hurrah LIFE IS THE EASIEST BECAUSE WE’RE WELL OFF AND I HAVE THE BEST MAN/WOMAN AND BABIES BABIES BABIES woooooooooooooooooooooo rodeo. But Gabe and Katie will never have teh childrens (*eagle tear*) because they only love each other but um they think the other one hates them or something. I don’t know.

Then Gabe’s mother comes to town toting the fiancee he had 7 years ago! Haha what! Gabe’s mother is a screeching harridan cartoon ladyvillain! But Gabe’s father shows up and is like I CAST THEE OUT! And divorces her finally, because she’s screeching harridan cartoon ladyvillain. Hurrah!

Gabe and Katie decide to get married because then he can just have his damn money okay? And Gabe’s thinking like “I WILL MAKE HER BE NOT-SHAM MARRIED TO ME!!!” and Katie’s like “I WISH THIS WAS A REAL WEDDING.” Ugh whatever. Katie decides she will seduce him because dammit she wants a year of seXXors even if he’s going to ditch her after that.

So on the honeymoon she does that, after Gabe’s like had a boner for a week straight all through the wedding and flight to Colorado Springs and is determined not to bug her.

*THROWS HER ON BED*
*FADE TO BLACK*

Another book with no actual sex in it. Not that sex would be good, because lady flowers and yearning members aren’t good, but it’s just weird. Who are the poor starved women who read romance novels with no sexytimes?

I’m falling asleep writing this because it was so boring. In conclusion: they finally talk and see they’re in love so no condom now my friends! Yes she gets pregnant immediately. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh babies. Shut up about babies!

*PERFECT TEXAN LIFE ENSUES*

Grade: Z for zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and EW for verbal abuse and creepy possessiveness (I forgot that bit. It’s creepy.)

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About Maggie
The gourmand metamorphoses into the voluptuary!

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