“Wooing the Schoolmarm”, Dorothy Clark

Ah ha you guys! Fuckin’ technology, man!

I have a new smartphone, an actually smart phone. I have downloaded WordPress and now I can READ AND TYPE AT THE SAME TIME! This is epic,  dudes. This will make it so much easier to put my thoughts down as I think them.

Or “mentally scream” them, as the case may be.

“Schoolmarm” is about a beautiful, you guessed it, schoolmarm who was ditched by her fiance a couple of days before the wedding. The eligible new pastor has arrived, hijinks ensue etc etc.

26 pages in, it’s already weirding me out – and only because Willa Ye Olde Schoolmarm’s bestie is Ellen. Literally only 26 pages in and you know more about how Ellen is a conceited bitchface just out to trap a high status man into marriage, than anything else.

It’s very Mean Girls, except the author is the Mean Girl. Mmmmm, tastes like I’m Not Like Other Women! Goody.

But can I complain when the dialogue includes “First one to touch wood wins!”?

Yes don’t worry

She noted Joshua’s brave pose and the adoration in his eyes as he looked at his uncle, Sally clinging so trustingly,  and turned away from the sight before she gave in to the impulse to tear the children out of his arms. She well remembered how loved and safe she had felt when her father had held her – and how devastating it had been to learn that the love and security had been a lie.

Mokay then.

This is another common problem with romances. We need a source of tension, so let’s turn anything we can contrive up to 11 and blow right past “believable motivation” into “has a human ever actually acted like this???”

Okay so it’s not really a romance problem. It’s a shitty writing problem.

So she is Beautiful, Caring, Bitter Schoolmarm.

MISANDRY

Seriously though; man, this bugs me. Out of her whole life and the life of everyone she knows or has heard about, there is absolutely no decent man out there?

NOPE SORRY NOT A ONE

THEY ARE ALL THE WORST

It’s like she’s a reverse MRA. Uh, or just a feminist I guess, if you’re looking at this as an actual MRA.

At one point, Pastor Whozits ministers to a dying dude:

Mr. Arthur, do you ask Jesus into your heart and proclaim Him to be your Lord and Savior

?

For one thing, it seems really strange to this atheist (er, me) that this is all it takes. CONGRATS NO HELL FOR YOU!

But it also made me wonder how many people at death’s door have said “yeah, sure, go Jesus hurrah” in order to stop being badgered while they’re busy dying. I feel like if I was in pain and about to expire,  I would prefer not to be bugged about my soul. Pastor Dudebro isn’t there without an invitation, but still. I think the whole concept is strange.

So anyway, boring boring boring she goes and runs away to Buffalo because she thinks pastor guy is getting married to Ellen because…Ellen said so? Even though there’s no actual reason to think it’s a thing.

Really, she doesn’t seem to understand humans at all. Allegedly she’s lived in this small town all her life but she doesn’t seem to know anything about anyone’s personality. She doesn’t like Ellen but somehow she’s her friend. She doesn’t know her mother prays. She doesn’t know that anyone is nice even though helping others is What Is Done In This Here Small Town.

I dunno. It’s dumb. Her mother gets married immediately to a dude as soon as she finds out her husband is dead, and pastor goes to Buffalo with them all to tell Willa he loves her. And he sets it up so she says yes and OKAY WE’RE GETTING THE MARRIED NOW. No really. Immediately. It’s creepy. Like no pressure or coercion or anything. Who cares if you have an opinion on how you get married? Pastor Bland sure doesn’t!

Huzzah.

Grade: J for Jesus Christ, this is why premarital sex is handy

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About Maggie
The gourmand metamorphoses into the voluptuary!

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