“Seducing an Angel”, by Mary Balogh

Part of my problem with doing these is that I rarely manage to remember names very well. Honestly, in my head I’m thinking “that dude” and “hot chick”, more or less.

So! Seducing an angel: Is it fun? Does god smite thee? What do you do with the wings?

Okay so there’s no literal angel in the book, more’s the pity. I guess I could just find some Castiel slash-fic to fill that void.

….

Sorry kind of drifted away there for a minute (How is he so hot? I don’t know. It even overcomes his perma-chapped lips.).

Ummmmmmm so more historical romancin’. Cassandra sets out for London towing a servant with an illegitimate child, a dog with one eye and three legs (or two eyes and three legs and 1.5 ears, something like that), and a former governess. They’re all just hanging around because they ❤ Cassandra, even though she has no money.

Why does she have no money? She is an AXE MURDERER! The gossip is that she murdered her husband. Ooooo scandalous. She’s decided that she’s going to get a rich dude on the hook as his mistress for a while, til she has enough money to pack them all up again and have a nice quiet life in the country.

That’s where ~the angel~ comes in — the Earl of Merkin Merton. Perfect curly blond blue-eyed perfection, natch. Oh, and Cassandra is red-headed curvy perfection. You’d think that for escapist fantasy, it’d be more fun having not-spectacular women get it on with conventionally hot dudes. As a not-spectacular woman, *I* usually fantasize more about being desired first for my SPARKLING PERSONALITY DAMMIT along with my short lumpy body.

But oh well. Beautiful people: it’s too fictional without them.

So Cassandra gloms on to Stephen The Angelic Earl as her pick and seduces him at a party she crashes. Interesting choice here: he does her in about 5 minutes and falls asleep. That’s a novel way to go for a romance, jeez.

When he wakes up, she’s like OKAY NAO PAY ME and he’s like WAT U PRO?

She’s not super happy to be his mistress because self-respect, but dammit she’ll take one for the rag-tag team. And he’s like AWWW PITIFUL and gives her money. He’s also like, dag, yo — I’m not doing you unless you actually want to be there. But she’s weird and stubborn and DAMMIT YOU WILL FUCK ME AND LIKE IT.

He does have sex with her one more time, thinking to himself that he will try to suck less at it: which leads to THE WORST thing ever, which is about 5 repetitions of Cassandra feeling the “pain that is not pain”. No seriously. SERIOUSLY. Ughhhhhhhhhhhq38odhs8Yeroh&#85Y

Again, stubborn, so she refuses to orgasm just through sheer willpower. Haha what kind of romance is this? They’re supposed to be WILDLY ON FIRE for each other, leading them to reconsider their mercenary relationship!

Instead, they just falls in loves with each other because love. Well, he is a perfect angel, the perfectest perfection that ever perfected. So that is reasonable.

I kind of enjoy the historical fiction that uses thoroughly modern characters in an ostensibly historical setting. I love me Ms. Austen, and I think her dudes are pretty decent folk — but they are genuinely 19th century people and as such their concerns are not so much my concerns (BUT LYDIA). All that to say, Stephen is a pretty feminist guy. He is unrelentingly nice, and is super concerned that Cassandra be independent and self-sufficient so she doesn’t have to marry him if she doesn’t want to. He’ll even be happy for her if she does leave for the country. Awwwwwwww.

But, love. So mostly the plot ends up being I LOVE HIM BUT I CAN’T MARRY HIM and I LOVE HER SO I WANT TO MARRY HER. There’s legit no reason she can’t marry him! She explicitly says that to herself in the book.

I kind of want to write one where there is never at any point any reason why the protagonists can’t get together, and where they are in lurve and want to be together, but they just won’t get together. But then I clearly have an odd sense of humour.

I forgot, in regards to Stephen: He spends a lot of the book hoping for a woman who will love him for him….not just his astonishing good looks and moneybags. This is annoying. I totally have sympathy for pretty people; I know it brings its own problems, being hot (or so I can imagine). I do get it!

…But the rest of us living under bridges still don’t really want to hear it. Awww you’re just too hot and rich! WOE. Sure, life is great for us fugly lumpy poor people. Whatever dude. Just get someone to smash you in the face with a shovel or set your head on fire. That’ll weed out the superficial chicks.

Where was I? Oh, I guess the only semi-legit reason for Cassandra to not want to marry Stephen The Hottest Earl is that she feels bad about how it all started. Fair enough! It makes for an unusual how-we-met story. But once the two of you are totes in love and not even having MIND FOGGING SEXXORS, you know…just get over it already.

Despite thinking she’s barren after her abusive dead husband, she ends up knocked up from the first couple of times of ~seduction~, so you know, she I guess gives up and marries him. Her former governess and the servant are both married off happily too, because sure. Oh yes, and we find out that Evil Drunken Husband actually shot himself, not his son (Who knocked up the servant and then married the servant, making Evil Drunken Husband NOT HAPPY. Cassandra didn’t believe former governess that that’s what happened and thought she was protecting Not Evil Son.).

So, married. Then after a brief mention of his HOT HOT ANGEL MARBLE BODY we fade to black on their wedding night, although we hear that now that they’re in lurve it is TEH AWESOMEST. What a fun, sexy time for you.

That was a pretty big rip-off. The only sex in the book is paid sex that isn’t very good? So weird.

Grade: P for boy it’s hard being pretty

(Now one of the books I’m waiting on from the library includes the phrase “immortal Carpathian hunter”. I have high hopes for that one.)